Tweet Tweet 4.0

Are you on Twitter? If not, that's okay. Just know that it's going to be bigger than Facebook one day and you're going to feel really left out. In fact right now, I feel really obligated to include you. So here are some of my thoughts (better known as tweets) I've posted the past few months on Twitter.

Stevie Wonder has to be the coolest looking bald, long-haired guy EVER! Hulk Hogan is a respectable but distant second. #Grammys

You can't deny it. "Over the Top" IS the greatest arm wrestling movie of ALL TIME.

My unnecessary word of the day is "teeth." I'm perfectly comfortable telling others I regularly brush my tooths.

Dear #Geico Cavemen: Please go ahead and evolve so we can move on to a new ad campaign.

So for the first time in my life tonight, another human sneezed directly into my mouth. #dadlife

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day is "crib." That is not challenging at all. Did you guys let a baby pick this one?

Rage Against the Machine. It's what helps skinny white guys do push-ups.

Just greeted a black woman and got stuck between saying "Hi" and "Hello." Came out "Holla." #awkward

I just sneezed and excused myself alone in my car. I think that entitles me to some sort of politeness overachiever award.

What's your goal for weightlifting? Strength? Tone? Personally I'm aiming for low muscle atrophy when I'm 80. #aiminglow

Proud to say I'm one of the few Americans who actually uses his waffle maker.

Did you know the Sun is known as the "yellow dwarf"? That is racist, politically incorrect, AND irresponsibly inaccurate!

At Blood Drive with radio playing a "Two-for-Tuesday" Nickelback set. I politely asked the nurse to place the needle in my jugular.

Can't believe "Very Dry" is an option on dryer dials. When would I ever want my clothes "still kind of wet"?

Miller Lite won Best American Light Lager at #GABF. So what? That's like winning a contest for Most Quaffable Urine.

Just checked out a book and it's due in 2 weeks. Thanks library for that whopping amount of time you've given me to READ A BOOK.

Took the week off for work and suddenly realized I'd taken the week off from bathing.

Who thought Willie Nelson/Norah Jones doing "Baby It's Cold Outside" would work? Sounds like an old creeper holding a pretty lady hostage.

Wife: "Buy Buy Baby is baby stuff heaven." Me: "Bye bye money."

The DMV Headquarters does not renew driver's licenses. And that makes perfect government sense.

Hey Reindeer Antlers On Car Guy- please note that when you cut me off it just makes me wanting to shoot you feel more natural.

Someone mopping around you always diminishes the dining experience.

Hey Lowe's, when you see me wandering around aimlessly, just know it's b/c I can never find anything in your hellhole of a store.

When people claim they had the best hot dog ever, I'm like, "well yeah, but....it's still a hot dog."

Guy at Pullen Park asks if we want to sample popcorn. Basically, his question should be, "do you know what popcorn tastes like?"


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