Fruitcake Blog: A New Year's Gift to My Readers

So, who here is jonesin' some fruitcake?!

Ok, probably not. As comedian Jim Gaffigan quips, "What is the recipe of fruitcake, anything but fruit? It's like the baker was just clearing off the counter, 'Put all this crap in there. Nobody eats this stuff, they just mail it to relatives.'"

So true. But I don't care. I have some fruitcake to dish out whether you can stomach it or not.

You see, throughout the year I write down my observations and thoughts on a little notepad and come back to it when I need blog ideas. As the year goes on, good ideas get used and become the posts you have been (hopefully) enjoying. Other ideas that either don't have legs, lack appeal, or perhaps just plain stink, just sit there in the pad, growing stale as the weeks progress like that box of Cheez-Its in your pantry that is super-south of freshness but you can't throw away because they are, after all, Cheez-Its. Throwing away a box of Cheez-Its rivals the feeling of losing a small pet, like a gerbil. It hurts for a little until you get a new one.

Well for some reason I can't throw away these ideas that I've jotted down this past year but never used. They were once great in my mind and I can't help but think they still have some value. Like a good baker who feels confident he has been cooking up some tasty treats, it's time to clear the crap off the table and bake some fresh goods.

And so it is for this blogger and the New Year. My gift to you for reading all year (trust me, I appreciate you) is a dry, stale, crusty fruitcake, consisting of all my ideas that didn't make the cut to become a main course. Who knows, maybe you'll find a gem or two in this fruitcake, or as Gaffigan would have it, "a skittle or a treasure map." Bon appetit!

Peeve: The Omni-Server Restaurant Staff- All of us have been to the joint where any server can serve your table at any time. What this generally creates is being asked every 30 seconds if you want your sweet tea refilled. As much tea as these places pour they should offer their patrons a complimentary chamber pot so they don't have to head for the loo every five minutes.

I want to tell them the only possible reason I could want more tea than I've already had is because my body runs on tea and suddenly I'm in need of a tea transfusion. In fact, save yourself the trouble and hook me up with a tea-IV. At least then I can have an uninterrupted conversation. Freakin' tea freaks.

Object Permanence- Babies get a kick out of Peek-a-Boo because they don't remember that someone is still behind the thing they were just looking at. At some point, babies grow out of object permanence. I wish we didn't! Life would be so much more interesting for us adults.

"Look honey, it's the Eiffel Tower!"

"Wow!"

"Look honey, it's the Eiffel Tower!"

"Whoa, cool!"

"Look honey, it's the Eiffel Tower!"

"UN-BE-LIEVABLE!"

Home Security- Security systems are so freekin' expensive. (Of course, for any of you burglars reading I have the top-of-the-line system with lasers and alligators and stuff.) The best security system is not a system at all. Few things say "get away from my house" like a cop car in the driveway. I think only a tank in the driveway would be more intimidating. Bad-intentioned dudes with crowbars don't care to mix it up with sleep-interrupted dudes with AK's.

K- Why is "K" such a girl letter? I dunno.

How's My Driving?- Has anyone ever called the number on these bumper stickers on the back of vehicles? Does it go to the guy who is actually driving? I've been meaning to call it one time and when they answer I just say, "Really good. You executed that right turn perfectly. Continue to handle your vehicle in the way we all expect you to."

Well, I hope you enjoyed the fruitcake. I'm sure some of it was hard to digest, but maybe one or two lines made you spew. If so, mission accomplished.

On a side note, what do you-my fabulous randomonium reader-want me to write about in 2012? Tell me what you like and what you don't. Tell me your favorite post and tell me your least favorite. Just tell me something below! And Happy New Year!

Kim Jong Il's Death Means New Life for Korean Basketball

Kim Jong-il, Darth Vader of the Far East and lover of nukes, is dead. While it's difficult to predict whether Kim's death is good or not for North Korean diplomacy, it would appear to be quite the boon for North Korean basketball.

Perhaps you're wondering if North Korea even has basketball. I have no idea, but if they don't, here's why I believe they will soon: Following the death of Kim Jong-il, CNN.com published an article regarding Kim's son and successor to the throne, Kim Jong-un (yay, the world gets another Kim Jong). What was apparent in the article was the limited information the world has on just who Kim Jong-un is (other than Kim Jong-il's mini-me) and just as noticeably, his affinity for the game of basketball. Here are some quotes with Isn't That Random footnotes.

"But the younger Kim remains a mystery. Even his age is uncertain to most of the outside world; Kim Jong-un is believed to be in his late 20s. He is said to have a fondness for James Bond and basketball star Michael Jordan."

So the first and only bit of information we have on this guy is not where he was educated, if he is married, or what his policies are, but that he likes James Bond and Michael Jordan. Bad start dude, those guys are heroes of the free world. Although, it should be no wonder he loves James Bond after years of watching Daddy stroke nuclear missiles like they were Bond villain-kittens. As for Jordan, it makes perfect sense this is his favorite player, seeing as how the Eastern hemisphere seems to love things the West did 10 years ago. Micheal Bolton and MC Hammer are still selling out shows left and right over there. But I digress...The point is that Kim Jong Un admires ballers. Well, the basketball love continues...

"He was competitive at all sports," said Joao Micaelo, a former classmate. Micaelo goes on to say Kim played basketball and had basketball games on his PlayStation. "The whole world for him was just basketball," said Micaelo.

This kid is shaping up to be a real force. We still know nothing about his policy or leadership, but who cares. He is a straight baller himself. If world power is ever decided by a game of NBA Live 2012, North Korea's got it in the bag. And who needs to break the will of other nations when you can break their ankles with a little one-on-one hoop action. Watch out though young Kim, our president has some ball skills of his own, not to mention he is black. Checkmate.

And just when the article was getting serious, talking about the doubts of many leaders who think this Mini-Kim is too young and unpolished to make good decisions, I read this:

"I think it's premature to conclude that Kim Jong-un will make all the shots," said Han Park.

Another basketball reference?! This is getting absurd and fairly obvious what Mini-Kim and his regime will be all about. Mini-Kim is hovering in the Spike Lee-sphere of basketball mania. I don't see any evidence that he cares for world affairs, unless it involves Olympics. Forget cares about policies, Mini-Kim is more interested in a game of H.O.R.S.E. Mini-Kim isn't thinking about how to bomb South Korea. Assuredly frustrated with his own government's restrictive and insular cable TV situation, his first order of business is getting NBA on TNT in his living room.

No doubt Mini-Kim has taken on some of his late father's predilections, such as wearing Dr. Evil jumpsuits and trying to dominate people. But if Mini-Kim wants to create the next great world basketball powerhouse, he has an uphill battle to climb. The average North Korean male is 5'4", meaning most of them will be getting dunked on by most other countries' ball boys.

But Mini-Kim is no dummy and won't accept basketball failure. I betcha he's summoning his country's passion for revolution and diabolically scheming a completely innovative way to play the game. I don't mean just systems; we're talking a complete makeover of the game's rules. Our dream team will voyage to North Korea to find points are had for fouling, getting one's shot rejected, and "nifty passing." With a team full of point guards Korean success bodes well.

So beware America. If we don't immediately shift our concerns of imminent nuclear warfare to imminent hard court warfare, we hazard this gamesmonger defeating us at the one thing we absolutely dominate. That's good for North Korean confidence and bad for everybody else.

Seven Ridiculous Gifts for Dad at The Sharper Image

It's impossible to shop for Dad, right?

I mean, he has everything. He has enough Lands' End sweaters and Members Only jackets to start his own thrift store. He has so many tools his garage looks like an Ace Hardware. Plain and simple, he has enough stuff. And if you get him a gift card, it's kind of like saying, "Hey Dad, here's money I don't have and you do have, plus now what's on this gift card." Our dads can buy whatever they need.

Problem is they don't need anything either. As this point in life our dads are so set in their ways that introducing something new is nearly repulsive. "Hey Dad, we want you to give spelunking a try in 2012! Here's some gear." You might as well wrap up a ball of trash, because that's where it's going. On second thought, your Dad is probably too nice to throw your gifts away. So it will likely find its way into that special corner of the garage, a.k.a. the abyss of never-used crap. Can't throw it away or sell it. So it sits there festering for a decade until a yard sale comes along and someone says, "Hey Dad, remember when we got you this? Did you ever use it?" Once you have to remind Dad what it is, you know he never used it.

The only way to really impress Dad with a gift this Christmas is to get him a better version of something he already has. The problem here is that what he already has is pretty dang good. It's ten times better than the crap you have. But somewhere out there is a product that even tops what Dad has. The reason he doesn't have it is: a) he doesn't know it exists; b) he wouldn't believe it existed if someone told him; c) he knows it exists but is too practical to buy it for himself. It's up to you to buy it for him.

So where do you find products like this? Look no further than The Sharper Image. BASF made the products you buy better. The Sharper Image makes the products you buy ridiculous. Don't believe me? Here's seven ridiculous gifts for Dad from The Sharper Image:

Motorized Tie Rack- Dad works hard enough. He shouldn't have to labor while choosing a tie in the morning. After years of tossing his head side to side to see all his ties he's practically lost all movement in his neck. Why not introduce another motor to his life? With this nifty rack, now all he has to do is lift his arm (which he had to do anyway) and press a button. This creates a fashion show of sorts, a suspended catwalk if you will, that your Dad will find pleasurable and amusing. Now he'll pick out his tie with a smile and not whip the dog with it in frustration with his immobile and lazy rack of shame.

Whole Body Massage Chair- Dad's current chair is boss. Plush leather, giant armrests, and reclining bliss. Only one small problem. It doesn't make him feel like he's being pampered by a Swedish supermodel at a beach resort. Let's be honest, reclining has lost its sweetness. Only lying down while being rubbed will do. Just be careful. You think Dad turns into a sloth on Sundays now. With the Whole Body Massage Chair he won't get up until Tuesday when the neighborhood's power grid shuts down. Also, go in on this with the other family members. This is the most expensive piece of furniture known to man.

Wireless Pulse Monitor- Dad is damn tired of using his finger to check his pulse and make sure he's still alive. This is a good stocking stuffer if you're gifting him with the Whole Body Massage Chair, as it will come in handy when you wonder if Dad is still alive after a week of Rip Van Winkle-like activity.

Wireless Stereo Hat- Time to lose the earbuds. Those clunky has-beens were so November 2011. Now Dad can just put on his hat and listen to the music. More importantly this helps Dad on his unintentional quest to make everything in his life cordless.

Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer- Time for Dad to ditch those minuscule scissors that barely fit a baby's hand. The man needs to deal with his unseemliness in style. Plus, this is as close as anyone can get to looking cool while removing hair from their nostrils.

Infared Wine Thermometer- Playing the guessing game with wine bottle temperature just won't do anymore. So let's get lasers involved. I can't imagine pulling this thing out at a party and not feeling like a complete toolbag. Dad on the other hand has lots of other dad friends who also have everything else. Well he's sure to impress them with this garish gizmo.

Heated Gloves- One year my Dad's best gift was a pair of big gloves. As far as I know, he still uses them when he wants to keep his hands warm. Afterall, that's what gloves do. Of course, there is the rare occasion that your dad is wrestling an elk in an arctic blizzard and his gloves aren't sufficiently keeping his hands warm. With these babies he can now wrestle the elk in comfort. And isn't that what your dad really wants?

Remember--when it comes to buying Dad a gift this Christmas, it's okay to overspend. And you'll have no choice but to at The Sharper Image. Of course, he's worth every penny.

What ridiculous gifts have you bought for your dad over the years?

Christmas Parties for Dummies: Minimizing Host Mistakes, Maximizing Food Intake

It's really easy to have fun at a Christmas party.

I mean, you'd have to try really hard to have a bad time. You'd have to be the kind of person that arrives and immediately starts to diss snowflake sweaters or declines an offer of eggnog (idiot). Or maybe Christmas music makes you grumpy, with all its joy-filled, hopeful messages (hater). Or stuffing yourself stupid with cheese just really isn't appealing to you (blasphemy).

Perhaps you hate people who smile a lot. Meeting an attractive female under the mistletoe is gross to you. Maybe you can't turn away from mediocre bowl games, put on a decent shirt, and leave the house for an hour. Well for the rest of us, Christmas parties are an awesome time.

But would it be possible to make them awesomer?

Well let's just say if you had a certain wise man in your corner helping you follow the north star of party wisdom all the way to the baby Jesus and Christmas party glory, awesomer is possible. (If you followed that out-of-hand metaphor, I commend you.)

Minimizing Host Mistakes
I've hosted many Christmas parties and every year I seem to learn something new about what not to do. My advice for hosting?

1) Don't Wear a Sweater- Nothing is worse than being the sweat machine at your own party. "Hey, where's Carson?" "Oh, I think that's him outside rubbing himself down with an icicle."

2) Don't Be a Bartender- I know you have good intentions of whipping up a delicious Christmas cocktail for each of your guests. Believe me when I say it is not worth it. "Hey, where's Carson?" "Oh, he hasn't left the kitchen. Been crushing mint leaves for three hours."

3) Don't Play Music Only You Like- Yes, it's your party. But not everybody thinks John Tesh's "Romantic Christmas" is dope. Even if they should.

Maximizing Food Intake
Food is generally good at Christmas parties, but the expectation to socialize often gets in the way. But you mustn't be deterred. Making a meal out of Christmas party finger food is what it's all about. By "it's" I mean life. It's what life is all about. If you can master the techniques of finger food engorgement you will be happy forever. Here are some moves you can execute at your next Christmas party that will ensure maximum food intake:

Veggie Tray Vultureing- Any hors d'oeuvres devourer worth his salt knows the veggie tray is key to a night of successful gormandizing. While mostly everything else available will send your cholesterol count into Santa territory, here's a choice you can actually feel good about. And that's the key. In no way will leaves and legumes balance out your eve of caloric gluttony. But at least it can offer you temporary solace. Don't forget though- these are veggies we're talking about. Those jokers will be there all night. Don't fill up on them; there will be multiple opportunities to swoop in and snag your one helping of cauliflower for the year.

The No-Look Grasp- You know you're gonna have to talk to people. You also know that it's going to be very hard to listen to a word they say as long as that steaming crock pot of sumpin' is dominating your periphery. So--maintain eye contact and reach for a quiche. They'll be there, trust me. Lightweight and durable, these guys are easy to snag while maintaining conversation. Wait for a blink or sneeze and you can pop three or four of 'em, no problem.

The Meatball Dilemma- Don't you dare put that thing on your flimsy paper plate. Take appropriate quantity of meatballs (three if someone is looking, twelve if you're alone) and eat that crap now. The risks far outweigh the rewards of transporting meatballs to another room.

The Spinach Teeth Check- You took my advice and went ape on some quiche. Now you're pretty sure your smile looks like it spent time in a marsh. Of course, you can't confirm this until you find a mirror. Until then, spend time with people who talk a lot but aren't very interesting. You won't have to talk back and chance of laughter is nil. Gradually inch toward a mirror. If you do it incredibly slow the other person won't realize it until you are suddenly fifteen feet away. Smile into the mirror and if you have a spinach sighting, make a beeline to the bathroom. Just not too fast- otherwise rumors will quickly spread that you may have the runs. Which reminds me of...

The Bean Dip Bonanza- If there is bean dip at the party, all rules of etiquette go out the window. Do not socialize. Do not waste time with veggie trays and quiche. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Go straight to the bean dip and start working it from the corners. Once someone else sees the bean dip is under siege, you can bet on an instant influx of party goers flocking to your zone. Just keep working it, not paying them any attention. The dip will be gone very soon, and you will consider yourself one of the fortunate few who partook of the one food that lasts no longer than 15 minutes at any party.

The Hilarious Moment Snarf Down- You have a plate full of delectables, but in the midst of an intense conversation/joke/story you can't find a good moment to eat any of it. Here, patience and timing are everything.

When the punchline or climactic moment approaches, subtly lift the plate close to your face, just below the chin. Inevitably, the joke will crack and everyone will be laughing with eyes half-closed and dishing out high fives. ACT NOW! Authoritatively lower your face into the plate and start voraciously chomping like a hyena on prey! After two seconds the food will be somewhat broken up. Mind you, people will be coming out of their laughter so there's no time to waste. Take two more seconds and like a vacuum cleaner suck up every morsel possible! In four seconds you can clear half your plate.

*Footnote* This usually works best when everyone else is pretty much intoxicated.

What have you learned from Christmas parties? Do you have a hosting lesson or food intake move to share?