Can't You Read the Signs? (Southern Fried Road Trip Part II)

"Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the signs?"

When the Five Man Electric Band penned this song, they were speakin' truth. Signs inform us, agitate us, disgust us, and make us laugh. The only reason signs exist is because there aren't enough people in the world to always be where something needs to be communicated. A sign is an extention of the person who made it, and that person may be sane, or riduculous, or has alterior motives altogether (think advertising).

For me, the best signs are the ones that are purposed to inform but in fact entertain. And we witnessed plenty of entertaining signs on our Southern Fried Road Trip. Here are my favorites:

Big and Tall Men's Store Signs

First of all, I totally understand why this would make a good billboard (or 20) off the highway. Big and tall stores are not easy to find and this could be an exciting find for a vertically gifted guy, especially one on a long road trip who had no clothes packed and was driving half-naked because of the lack of Big and Tall stores in his community. But one of the billboards advertising this particular store made me do a double-take. The sign read, "Big and Tall Men's Store- Shorter Men's Clothing Too!".

Well at 6 feet tall, apparently I'm the only kind of man that can't enter this particular store. Now if I could put myself in a short man's little shoes for a second, I'd surmise a Big-and-Tall Store is not the place I'd look for a nice pair of slacks. You'd be sized up (not in a good way) the second you sheepishly walked through the door. "Look honey, we got a wee-fella." No short dude wants that. I'd imagine the conversation with the sales guy would go something like this:

"Yes, I'm in the market for a suit."

"Well, you came to the right place. How tall are ya, sport?"

"I'm 5'5"."

"Okie-dokie. Most of the clothes here are for giants that can't go to regular stores that serve people like yourself. But we do have a very tiny section over here for your kind. Of course, all the suits are green and come with a little hat and a shillelagh. Oh and watch out for Colossus while you're over there. He might mistake you for a lollypop and devour you."

Public Bathing

Center-stage of City Market in Savannah displays a multi-spouted fountain that is typically enjoyed by fun-seeking children. There is also a sign nearby that reads, Fountain Rules: Rule #1- Unattended Solo Bathing Prohibited. What an odd and perplexing sign!

Does it mean that I can bathe in the fountain as long as I'm not by myself? It's okay officer, I was bathing in the fountain with my wife.

Does it mean that I can bathe in the founatin as long as someone else is present? It's okay officer, I brought my buddy Steve so he could watch me bathe in the fountain.

As I interpret the sign, we could have a party in that fountain and bathe 'til the sun goes down. Sorry officer, you just missed the guy who was here before. With nothing in his possession but some Dial and a loofa, he bathed by himself while unattended.

Not that you could charge him anyway, seeing as how he's clean.

Gettin' Wiggy With It

As we traveled home on a lengthy, boring stretch of highway, my eyes were peppered with numerous unsightly billboards in sequence advertising a Wig Store. Now some stores off the highway make sense. Look no further than Cracker Barrel's, Fireworks Outlets, and the aforementioned Big and Tall Store. But who the heck travels down the road and realizes they're in need of a wig?

"Ehh, pull over honey, these signs reminded me I have eight hairs left on my head and need to do something about it."

The urgent nature of the signs is equally preposterous. Stylish Wigs! EXIT NOW! Most people come to understand their need for wig over time. Who immediately needs a wig?

"Well we were comin' home from Disneyworld and suddenly, Fred lost all of his hair. And then, thank God, there was the Wig Store."

Stylish Wigs! EXIT NOW! Can't you just picture the elderly couple swerving across three lanes of traffic in their Cadallic in hopes of getting stylish?

Well, signing off.